Finding a Sense of Self

This Wix guideline starts with the words ‘this is the beginning of a beautiful post,’ and I just don’t think that’s true this time. I don’t really know what this post is, I just think I should start being more honest with what I’m writing. Not that I’m not honest, just I should start worrying less about what I’m writing.

Last month Louise Pentland (SprinkleofGlitter) publicly ‘quit’ what her channel and content previously was, and said that she wanted to actually show who she was in what she presented, not this culled and measured version of herself to look better on the Internet. I found what she said very uplifting and inspiring, and almost a relief, that here was this big time ‘vlogger’ admitting that everything was not perfect, and she wanted to share that. I watch a lot of YouTube videos, and although I really enjoy them, I sometimes find that everything is just too perfect. They’ve gone from a medium which could be a bit rusty, filmed in your bedroom and completely original, to something that is now equally as perfected as really celebrities, or TV. They have lots of money to buy lots of clothes, or cool things, they jet off round the world, and they seem to have mini adventures every day.

I know that’s not the case, I know it’s edited to look that way and I know obviously that many of them are speaking on out on topics like anxiety, which has reached a lot of people, but I feel like even their pronounced imperfections are now becoming ‘perfect.’ They went from being the ‘next door neighbours’ of new fame, to the same old same old, people queuing outside their houses for pictures. This post has gone slightly off topic. Just in a lot of early videos, it used to be easy to see yourself in them, but now they’re no different to other unreachable, unattainable fame.

Their blogs are beautiful creations with professional photos and professional designs, and mine is this, unsure shy little

child tugging on models’ skirt hems for attention. I don’t know what I’m doing with this blog anymore than I know what I’m doing with my life. I want to write. Don’t get me wrong I want to write more than anything in the world, but I can never quite get the words I want out onto these pages. I enjoy fashion and shopping, but I can’t ever quite get my style where I want it to be, I’m always slightly uncomfortable in myself, like I still don’t quite fit in. I was a horrifically uncool child and teenager, and in many ways I still am now, and I just can’t shake the idea that anyone reading this is just going to know that immediately. If I try and do a post on anything interesting or fun like clothes or cooking or DIY, I just won’t pull it off because, to be honest, I don’t really understand myself yet, so I can’t be sure that I’m putting myself across.

In some ways watching YouTube and reading blogs is really inspiring, I get inspired by what they use or what they wear and I want to do better, wear more clothes, use more products, take more pictures, and it makes me feel for a second that I could be that person too. That if I wear that outfit they just put together for me, I will immediately feel so much cooler, and so much better about myself. They talk about the importance of friendship, and the importance of travelling the world, and I agree with them, and I get filled with an urge to go on adventures, book a plane journey, everything. And then I remember that I’m just me, I can’t even seem to keep hold of my best friend these days, and I’m so bad at saving with money, the thought of even looking at a holiday seems a distant dream. So I’m brought straight back down to earth with a bump. I could spend the money on buying those clothes, sure, and I would feel better for a few hours, I’m not going to lie, I love wearing and buying new clothes so much, but a few days after, I would realise that that money could have gone towards something more worthwhile, and I would be so angry at myself. Wearing those clothes wouldn’t make me any cooler, and it wouldn’t bring any more sense of self.

I’ve never been best at anything. I was the smart girl with smarter friends. I was the pretty girl with prettier friends. I’ve always just hung back, like if I’m walking with two other people I’m always a step behind, trying to get in. I’m just worried I’m always going to be a step behind. A step behind that person that got the job I wanted. A step behind my friends as they get the jobs they wanted. A step behind anyone as I just can’t find my way.

Lately all I want to do is move away somewhere and start again, but is that just the easy way out? You can’t just snap your fingers and have a new body, a new skill, a new job, you have to work hard for it, but lately it’s just so hard to motivate myself to work harder to get where I want to be. Why should I work so hard, when others seem to get it so easily? Anyone else feel like that?

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