You can’t get very far in the days of early January without a whole host of blog posts either singing the praises of New Year’s Resolutions, or condemning them to the ground, and as I am a creature of habit, here is my contribution…
2016 was a weird year for me. In June this year, I felt betrayed by my country and the decision it made to leave the EU. You can read my thoughts on the day before the referendum here.The world, in many ways, seemed to revolve around hate and anger this year, and it is even worse to think of how many advocates of love and acceptance that we lost this year. I lost faith in the world again this year in November, and I think these massive shockwaves made it harder for me to know what my place was in the world. The world that seemed to be rejecting everything that I want the world to be.
In terms of me personally, nothing that bad happened. My boyfriend and I now live together, I had 8 months of a management job and then found a job in the field I thought I wanted to be in. I went to San Francisco, Iceland, Scotland and Blackpool. I gained a beautiful niece. I turned 22. I learnt more about myself.
And yet on New Years Eve, I brought in the New Year wanting to cry, feeling claustrophobic and unwanted, and I honestly couldn’t tell you why. I’ve had a couple of moments like this over the past year, the last bout disappearing as I went on holiday to Iceland with my best friend, and before Christmas I felt confident in everything, but it seems any confidence in myself this year is only a smokescreen.
I’m not especially happy with where I am right now. I am the least fit I have been in years, I am lazy, I constantly cancel on friends and plans, and I’ve spent a lot more than I’ve saved. At the beginning of 2016, I was that girl that took a lot of selfies, that could never choose a profile picture and was make fun of for posing in the car, but suddenly I just stopped. I seemed to, subconciously, stop liking the way I looked, I stopped liking myself. I don’t like being tired all the time, I don’t like being lethargic and boring and clingy, and this isn’t the life I want for myself. This isn’t the me I want for myself.
Every year, like everyone, I make resolutions that I never stick to, and like many people, I am coming to the end of that tradition. I know when I don’t keep to that promise that I will run every 2 days or eat salad everyday, so my promise to myself is just to take baby steps, and stop punishing myself. I don’t see anything wrong with people wanting to better themselves, and if a new year gives them that motivation, go for it, but it’s always going to be a struggle. If your body is used to a croissant every morning, or 10 cigarettes a day, or drinking a lot of coffee, you aren’t going to be able to change that instantly. It’s a lot of hard work, which is why I’d rather not beat myself up if I mess up on one or two days. It’s about picking yourself up, and carrying on the next day.
I want to try and do new things, things that scare me, and try to say yes more. I do not want to put myself in situations that I don’t like, and tell myself that it’s okay to want to stay in and cuddle with your boyfriend at the end of a long week. I want to travel more places this year, and cook more food, read more books, and look at my phone less. I am a creature of habit, and I like watching films and reading books that I know very well, I enjoy that, and I am still going to do that. But I’m also going to read new books, and watch new films and new programs, and try to shift myself out of comfort zone bubble.
I want to love my boyfriend and laugh with my friends, see 300 more sunsets and not quite as many sunrises. I want to take an outfit post for my blog and have a little dance in what I’m wearing. I want to win at Mario Kart, and I want to start writing things down again. I want to eat just as much pasta, but maybe a little less chocolate. I want to wear clothes that I was too scared to last year, and do my makeup crazy just because I can. I don’t want to drink, because I don’t enjoy it, and I really really want to enjoy this year.
I do not want to be a new person, I just need to start making the most of the person I’ve got. Me. This is the year of me. (And you!) And hopefully much more writing! And hey, my kickstarting of this year might not start right away, but I’m going to get there. That’s the most important thing. If you’re getting there, don’t let anyone try and tell you you’re walking the wrong way.