This blog isn’t going to be what I wanted for a little while, as the only way I can get my thoughts in order is to write them down. When i try to speak at the moment I end up crying and I’m so fed up of crying.
I’m fed of crying when I hear a certain song, when I walk down the town street, when I finally bring myself to walk in the front door, and when I took pictures out of frames. I even cried in Tesco’s today.
I know that this is natural, I know that it’s only been a week, and this is going to take me a long time to recover from, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I broke my rule of seeing him yesterday, I planned to give him space for at least a week, and ended up having a shouting match in the car driving back to the house, as we were supposed to be ‘sorting everything out.’ It definitely didn’t make me feel better, in fact, I feel like we broke up all over again, but it’s the hardest thing about this, is that all I want to do is see him, but then when I see him it’s awful, because I want to run into his arms and have him make it better, but that can’t happen because he doesn’t want to be with me.
My friends have been amazing, and my mum has been so supportive and I am so grateful to them, but as soon as I set foot in this door I am reminded of what is happening. I have minutes in the day where I literally think everything is normal, and then it all crashes over me again and I remember that nothing will be normal for a long time. My normal is him, and it has been him for almost 2 years.
Ironically, the tattoo I got 3 weeks ago seems to have guessed what would happen. I got an origami crane on my arm kind of on a whim, and when questioned why, I said ‘because you make something beautiful out
of just a piece of paper’ which was kind of true, but origami cranes have apparently become ‘a symbol of of hope and healing through challenging times’ which now seems very apt.
I keep changing my mind over what I want to do – there is so much to sort out and so much to do and I love this house so so much. I love the location I love the garden I love the things we bought for it I love everything. But every time I walk in this house I want to cry, because I never wanted to be by myself here. I never wanted to live by myself, I never wanted to come home and feel deflated because I had nothing to look forward to.
I keep flinging between anger and sadness towards him. I’m angry at the way he’s treated me and I’m angry at what’s doing now, but I am also so sad because we both made mistakes in the last few months, and we never got a chance to fix them.
I just want to find my normal again.