My plan for this space, this corner, is to relaunch it, and I have big dreams in my head for it, polished designs and photos and polished content. But would that even be me? I feel like blogging is all I have that sets me apart, but I’m so scared of it, scared of not being good enough, and I didn’t want to write on it until it was perfect. But what is perfect? This is my blog, and I need to write about my life. I need to just be honest, and accept that it’s not perfect.
Today I wanted to write about love. There are so many writings on love, it’s hard to be original now. There are so many films, quotes, poems, books, songs, about love. I think that’s because it’s something that no one really understands. It’s different for everyone, and it shows itself in a million different ways. There are so many different types of love, what does it even mean?
In the weeks since my breakup I have done a lot of thinking on love. I’ve made a lot of decisions, gone back on them, made resolutions, watched and read things about love, and struggled to make sense of what has happened to me. The simple thing being that for the person I was, and am in love with, their love for me went away. Where once there was love, there was then an absence. I feel like this is harder to understand than love itself. How can love disappear? I think it’s even harder to understand when my own feelings were still so constant and present.
The question I keep asking myself is, should love be hard, or easy?
My friends have told me not to fight for him. The guy that used to be my guy. Twitter told me not to fight for him, motivational pictures on the internet tell me that I should know my worth, and people tell me that he is manipulating me, and on our worst days I feel that I am the only one who is ever fighting, or has ever fought for us. Maybe he has minutes when he does, but then he changes his mind. I know that I am worth more than his actions, I know that there are people out there who would love to be with me, but I am struggling so much to condemn him. When I first wrote these words, yesterday, I said that I would not apologise for having a belief in our love. Which is ironic, considering that I apologise for pretty much everything. I know that I am getting hurt, and maybe he is taking advantage of me, but I keep trying to have faith in the guy I fell in love with.
I have tried looking to other people’s stories of love to help me, but no two are the same, and it’s difficult to compare. Some people say that love is not love if you have to fight for it, if it causes you pain, or if it is hard. That if you have to fight for love, it isn’t real. But I have also seen quotes saying that nothing in life that is worth having comes easy, so surely that goes for love as well? Surely if love is worth it, it will not be easy. It will be really fucking hard, and sometimes you will doubt yourself, doubt each other, you will lose faith in the the journey you’re taking, but that doesn’t mean that the love isn’t real, or worth it?
To be quite honest, I don’t know why I’m fighting for this anymore. I’ve decided to give up several times, and then something in me tells me that that is a mistake. But that voice is getting smaller and smaller every time. I tell myself that it’s worth it, but is it? Some things are hard to let go of, but I don’t really know why I’m still clinging on, when everyone else involved seems to have let go long ago.
My heart is broken, but I have kept on fighting because that’s who I am. I believe that I will fight for anyone to reach their full potential, and we never reached our full potential.
The famous Shakespeare quote is that ‘Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds,Or bends with the remover to remove. O no, it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken’ (Sonnet 116) and maybe that’s true. Or at least, should be true. But I don’t think love can ever be that simple, because people are not simple, and life is not simple. Maybe some people win the love lottery, and have plain sailing, but for the rest of us, there has to be some rough seas, and maybe even a shipwreck, because sometimes we have to fight to be alive. And sometimes we have to fight for love.
But when should you give up? When is enough, enough?