A lack of ambition

I’ve never really had much ‘ambition.’ I worked hard in school and I work hard in my job and yes, ideally I want to progress, but if I’m put in a competitive race with other people, I normally prefer to take myself out of it. I’ve written before about struggling with finding a sense of self.

I used to want to be a journalist, and when I got to uni I realised I had never even tried to get experience for this. Compare that to my best friend, who had got work experience in PR since her early teens, and I felt like a bit of a failure. Now I could have really pushed myself here to get experience, the uni had plenty of papers I could write for, but I just decided there was no way I could do it. When papers or magazines ask you to pitch a story, I clammed up, and would doubt my ability to provide worthwhile content. So I didn’t push myself, or challenge myself.

Girl holding plastic cup standing in front of river on grass looks down

Girl holding plastic cup standing in front of river on grass looks down

Now, I have a blog, and I love it, but I don’t know if I have the drive to succeed. At the end of last year I got my first paid blog post and that felt like a massive stepping stone for me, and I knew I needed to keep the momentum going, so I kept having massive breaks in blog posts. I abandoned Instagram and Twitter. I took myself out of the race, like I always do.

I think my issue is that I like doing things without observation. As soon as someone is assessing me, or even just watching me, I shrink away. Even playing piano as a teenager, I would shout at anyone trying to sneakily listen. Part of my anxiety is the intense fear of making a mistake – of fucking up – so if I end up in a situation where I am likely to lose, I don’t even try. I wouldn’t say I’m a pessimistic person, because most of the time I can be an annoying optimist, but I always have an overhanging doubt for my own abilities. Recently, I should have been pushing myself in the evenings after work to achieve stuff – to work on my blog, to figure stuff out so I can take it further, but instead I would lie in my bed watching Friends and then go to sleep. Since I was 17/18 I have wanted to learn guitar, but always abandon it because it is ‘too hard,’ but really I’m just scared of failing, so again, I don’t try.

Girl holding plastic cup standing in front of river on grass smiling

I am scared I don’t have the drive necessary to make it in this world. I don’t have a driving ambition to get me somewhere, there is nothing in the world I have ever felt truly motivated to do. After spending years at school being told how clever I was, and how good I was at stuff, suddenly I was thrust into a world where school achievements didn’t mean anything, and without exams I had nothing to aim for anymore. I had never spend time cultivating ambition for going further than just getting As, and I’m paying for it now. Is this a habit I can kick in its lazy, unambitious butt – or am I going to be stagnant forever?

Girl holding plastic cup standing in front of river on grass smiling

Girl holding plastic cup standing in front of river on grass smiling

What I’m wearing:

Coat: My Grandad’s

Top: Primark (similar here, and here)

Jeans: New Look (similar)

Shoes: Vans

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