Yes I know I already wrote a blog post about this film (To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before) but
A) that was about clothes and
B) I just love it, okay?
Well I know I for one like being nosy, and the reaction to my diary post was enough to show me a lot of you are too! So in this film, Lara Jean has 5 letters she has written to the intense crushes she had in her life, so I thought I’d write some letters to the crushes I’ve had in my life. I mean, not all of them, because I’m 24 and ain’t nobody got time for that, and I deliberately didn’t pick any that became my boyfriend. I’ll see if I can pick 5 ones that left a lasting impact, as let’s face it, a lot of crushes don’t last long.
It’s mad to think how long I thought you were the actual shiz. My first memory of you was doing a class exercise in PSHE (who remembers that) where we all had to write nice things about everyone in the class, and your note to me was ‘you have nice trousers.’ I mean talk about pushing the complimentary boat out. I painstakingly saved our (very boring) MSN conversations, wrote your initials in my diary, fell out with my best friend over you. At the time, everything was so dramatic, everything was the best or the worst, and as documented in my diary, I claimed to love you. My whole life revolved around you, I vaguely have a memory of you saying you would never go out with me, but I can’t remember the context. I’m sure, at the time, that absolutely broke me. Even when we were ‘best friends’ I wonder if you actually ever liked me at all. I was always a bit too awkward for you. We came into each other’s lives again when we were a bit older, but I always felt like you were slightly judging me. Case and point when I realised you had randomly blocked me on Twitter (I don’t think I had ever even followed you or interacted with you on it) and an awkward run in at a train station (this is all age 22/23).
I definitely have some sort of issue with not feeling good enough and issues with rejection, and although it in no way started with you, this situation (looking back) definitely didn’t help them. I never feel good enough for anyone when I had feelings for them, and although mine for you were tween feelings, you always had a judgemental air, I felt embarrassed about who I was and the music I liked. So thanks for getting my first absolutely awful crush out of the way for me.
I’m pretty sure we did actually go out for maybe a week? I remember you buying me a muffin at school once. We barely spoke to each other. I convinced myself I would never get over you, I wrote a note and hid it in part of my bed claiming that when we finished Year 11 I was going to tell you how much I liked you. You were a bit weird, and I felt like I never even knew you very well, I don’t remember much about this crush, except that I definitely liked you when we went on a school trip. Once, I pretended to be really sad and got one of my friends to get everyone to write nice things for me to read, and you wrote that if I was sad – prozac helps. Definitely the romantic message I was hoping for. I think (referring back to my diary post) the horrible thing that happened to someone that I don’t remember (24th March 2009) was to do with this person.
I had known you for basically my whole life. We had been kinda good friends as children, and always those kind of periphery friends throughout secondary school. I don’t remember much about starting to like you, just that I did, and I’m pretty sure my nickname for you was ‘thingy’ (revolutionary). You introduced to one of my favourite books and I used to read so much into texts you would send me, and obsessed for quite a while over a text you sent inviting me to see your band play, only to find out you had sent the same text to everyone. Unfortunately, you had a girlfriend at this point and your phone used to autocorrect how many ‘x’s’ you sent (i.e. millions) which didn’t do well for my overthinking teen brain.
I don’t know if you know this, but you were actually my first kiss. I mean, it was a peck, and it was on stage, but it’s still my fun fact. You were a mysterious one, every girl thought you were hot but you never seemed to like anyone. Everyone was obsessed with you after you played the lead in one of our school shows, and one Valentine’s Day (I don’t remember what year) we could send an anonymous gift to someone to tell them we fancied them, and I sent one to you. I don’t think you ever knew it was me, although I feel like I told you once much later when I was drunk. In 6th form we were always together because we did the same subjects. We were friends. I’m pretty sure I got over it quite easily, it wasn’t one of those ‘be all and end all’ crushes, but then, randomly, in the Christmas of my first year of Uni, I came home and went to a house party, and went out afterwards. You carried something for me (I don’t remember what now) and we ended up getting a taxi home together because we sort of lived in the same direction. I remember drunkenly thanking you again, and then suddenly you started kissing me. For me, it came out of nowhere. We ended up arguing whose house to go to because realistically, we couldn’t go to either, and ended up in the middle of both houses quite far away from both, because we ran out of money for the taxi. *Ahem* certain things happened behind a Community Centre, and we walked off our separate ways. I then was gifted a wonderful drunken voicemail telling me how you didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I don’t actually think I’ve seen you since.
Age: Over 20
You hit me out of nowhere in a feeling that I hadn’t really felt since I was a teenager. ‘Having a crush’ wasn’t something that had really happened to me since then, as I had pretty much been in intense relationships since I was 18. I was looking at you one evening, and suddenly had the urge to kiss you. I had always thought you were cute, but in a ‘not really noticing kind of way’ considering you were friends with my boyfriend, and younger than I was. Then suddenly, I was almost obsessed with you. I wanted to see you everyday, and had fantasies running through my head that I hadn’t done since I was much younger – before I knew what it was like to be in a real relationship. The product of watching too many romantic comedies. You’re very different from me, and I can be a bit annoying, and I wasn’t in a position to do anything, but for some reason, I just wanted to see you, all the time. I don’t know if it was a long standing crush, or whether I just wanted to kiss you and then it would have gone away, but it was a reminder to me how it felt to have that sort of crush again.
So there are my five ‘letters.’ If anyone works out if it was them I don’t think it would be as big of a deal as it was in the film, but I would probably still freak out, lets not lie. I’ve had plenty more crushes in my life and I will probably have a whole lot more in the rest of my life, but I hope this kept everyone’s nosy minds busy for today.
Did you ever write any letters to your crushes?